Paternal Angst (or Ode to my Stepfather)
Rest in peace you fucker
[look, though ignoble, this is just a public rant to get it out of my system, unto the ether, OK]
his brutal strength crushed my spirit
his iron fist rules made me passive aggressive
his stupid love made me hate – at least him
his idiot dogma though, freed my mind
terror of punishment made me live life in hiding
humiliation had me living life in shame
an introverted intellectual, living a life of inherited pain
what me? acting victim? bitter? maybe.
Goya – Satan devouring his son
maybe I’m just angry at the tenacious, brutally limiting shit laid on my soul
maybe I’m angry I still haven’t shaken it off
maybe I’m angry because I don’t imagine I would have chosen this, in the paradigm of conscious spirit.
Or maybe – I’m just tired of dealing with brutally myopic idiots on this earth
therefore I bid for your self awareness Phil Bates and
don’t come back till you find peace with your soul, motherfucker
so anyway,
may the pandemic of destructive patriarchy annihilate itself
may the matriarchy find its true powee
and may the harmony of human partnership evolve into a true expression of love
Set me free now, a man to walk in peace on Earth.
There’s more:
memories come to me now…
after too many years running away
from a heavy past in my heart
that exists now only in my head
now that the old fellow
dropped off his perch dead
and all that remains is for me to tell him in prayer
beneath all his false knowledge and receding grey hair
I never told him, the feelings I hid,
from the man that hurt me so bad as a kid,
that loved me a lie and left me alone,
that beat me and told me I was all wrong,
that overpowered me with what he thought he knew best.
Bastard.
none of it matters though in the passage of time
all we ever have, passes in the wank of an eye,
and all that’s left beneath the hollow faces
is a memory of him trying to love in the only way he knew how.
Asshole.
I lit a candle and said a prayer and played a song on my flute
I could see him cringe in the incense smoke
I shoulda had lessons, he says, I know, I know
but what about these bay leaves on this brief altar for you,
leaves I plucked from my garden, thought you’d might appreciate them.
whatever, I’ll give you a thrashing at chess next time round you fucker.
“Go on, lets be avin ya.”
And blessed may be my sisters who held his hand on the road to grace.
Dumb fucker
Nik,
You could be describing my father. Who somehow mellowed suddenly, when my mother died 14 years ago.
I don’t plan to tell him all of this before he dies. Not yet anyway.
Thanks for making me think about it. I hope this helped get him out of your system.
Agent Nation
Interesting this should draw comment as it’s been a “private” entry since 2007 apparently! I just stumbled across it and thought what the hell, publish, half baked a rant as it may be, there it is.
I, mistakenly according to some, did confront my step father some years before he kicked the bucket, but he didn’t get it and was consternated by my comments (civil and opportunistically therapeutic as they were intended) and troubled perhaps for the rest of his days. Well, as I said, and the notion of reincarnation accepted, let him work it out!