Well from my research so far, I figured the answer, like all quests for the perfect solution, doesn’t exist. But you might at least find the quest entertaining:
“Content Management Systems I Would Or Wouldn’t Fuck”

Content Management Systems I Would Or Wouldn’t Fuck

Would:

* Drupal – The exotic foreign exchange student. If you can figure out what the hell language it speaks, it’ll be so greatful for the attention it’ll bend over backwards and let you do whatever you want to it.

Wouldn’t:

* Blogger – Really popular, and consequently has every virus known to science.

* Movable Type – Looks like it used to be a lot of fun when it was younger; now it just sort of lays there and doesn’t do much. Takes forever to refresh. Spends most of its time changing in and out of different outfits.

etc.

and some helpful commentary [via]

“He forgot Typo3. A bit like Drupal, once you figure it out it’s great. It helps to speak German or Danish. But it will be hard to get any nookie from this nun in a habit. It’s on a mission from God. With the right extensions though, she’ll be your bitch.”

“And no Joomla? Or am I just a whore for liking it…”

“I use Drupal for my business intranet site. It was very easy to set up a basic site, and didn’t take too long to get it to do whatever I wanted to do. It has, however, been a pain in the ass to theme. While the functionality of Drupal is jaw-dropping and easily had, the documentation is sparse and the results aren’t pretty until you roll up your sleeves and get all PHP on its ass.”

“My underpants are a CMS of sorts.”

I work with Typo. It’s a steep learning curve, but once you figure it out, you are the true master of your domain… To anybody who hasn’t been able to get it to work, maybe you should stick with Frontpage?

“… To anybody who hasn’t been able to get it to work, maybe you should stick with Frontpage?”

Ah, I love the bouquet of tech-macho bullshit….

etc.